Did I Offend Someone by Tipping? What Should I Do?

Unpacked is Dinogo’s advice column. Each month, Dr. Anu Taranath addresses a moral dilemma faced by a reader. Taranath, a speaker and educator based in Seattle, Washington, focuses on racial equity and social change. She is the author of Beyond Guilt Trips: Mindful Travel in an Unequal World (Between the Lines, 2019). If you have a question you'd like explored, please send it to [email protected].

Hello Unpacked,

We recently traveled to Sicily and stayed at various hotels. At one location, a bellman (who also appeared to be a groundskeeper) carried our bags up a long staircase, and we tipped him. At the next hotel, another bellman assisted with our bags up a similar flight. When I offered to tip him, he replied, “No, that’s not necessary.” I had already handed him the money, which made it awkward to take it back, so I insisted, “Please keep it.” While I’m not sure if he was offended, he certainly implied that “tipping isn’t customary here.” Consequently, we decided to stop tipping the hotel staff. Did we make the right choice? — R.F.

Dear R.F.,

From a practical standpoint, yes, you acted correctly. The bellman informed you of a local custom, and you adapted your behavior accordingly. For future visits, it's important to note that while tipping isn't common in Italy, it is valued in specific situations, such as with tour guides.

However, I sense that your inquiry may be less about that specific incident in Sicily and more about navigating the confusing emotions that arise when we immerse ourselves in a new culture.

At home, we possess an implicit understanding of “how things work,” which feels both ordinary and intriguingly captivating. We know how to navigate traffic and order at cafés. Yet while traveling, we encounter new customs and may feel uncertain when the norms are unclear: Should we seat ourselves in this restaurant? Is it acceptable to eat with our hands? How is eye contact perceived here?

This sense of unfamiliarity can be exhilarating and refreshing, yet it can also challenge us and lead to feelings of hesitation or confusion. When we misstep and the bellman indicates, “That isn’t customary here,” it can evoke embarrassment. Most of us prefer to steer clear of situations that might lead to humiliation, which results in limited experience handling the discomfort that newness can bring—whether related to tipping, physical interactions, or even restrooms.

I suspect part of these feelings arises from our tendency to hold ourselves and others to unrealistically high standards. I'm intrigued about the origin of the belief that we should inherently understand how cultural norms function outside our own experiences. While it's beneficial to learn as much as we can prior to traveling, it's simply impossible for anyone to grasp all the cultural customs, practices, histories, and subtleties across different communities and regions. Are we giving ourselves the room to learn? In my roles as a professor, consultant, and tour director, I've observed how this unreasonable expectation can leave well-meaning individuals uncertain about how to navigate unfamiliar situations.

I don't believe we should be expected to have all the answers. Let's embrace courage, honesty, and the willingness to admit our ignorance. For me, the essence of travel lies in those everyday instances where we might feel uncertain but continue to grow through the experience of learning.

It’s perfectly normal not to know whether to tip the bellman in Sicily or how bargaining works at a market in Guatemala. This lack of immediate knowledge is entirely acceptable. In fact, we travel to places like Sicily or Guatemala to become aware of our knowledge gaps and to expand our understanding. This journey helps us transform our arrogance into humility. As writer Pico Iyer puts it, “Once I’m on the road, I often realize that I know nothing at all, which is a profound liberation.”

If you're seeking advice on tipping or bargaining, observe how locals interact and mimic their actions. However, be aware that as a visitor, you may be expected to behave differently. Additionally, don’t hesitate to consult someone familiar with the culture, such as a driver, tour guide, or hotel staff, for useful insights. Cherish your interactions with people; these brief encounters can hold more significance than any information you might acquire.

While I aim to be respectful and avoid major errors, I've learned over the years to let go of the need to be all-knowing or always correct. Instead, I value the experiences that reveal how much I still have to learn. I anticipate moments of discomfort, recover from them quickly, and remain open to further learning. Try to liberate yourself from the urge to make your travels flawless. Being overly critical only hinders us. A mindful traveler embraces uncertainty and approaches those revealing moments with a sense of curiosity and lightness, recognizing the vast and wondrous complexities of our world.