It’s a tough climate. 5 strategies for engaging with those who have different perspectives

(Dinogo) — After months of heated debates, surprising shifts, and rampant misinformation, the chaotic ride of the election season is finally winding down. For many, the end can’t come soon enough. The political climate is charged, and people are yearning for a break from the constant tension and hostility.

In fact, a recent poll shows that seven out of ten Americans are feeling anxious or frustrated about the 2024 presidential election.

No matter the outcome today — or in the weeks to come — it’s unlikely we’ll see a resolution anytime soon: The political divide will persist, and we’ll continue encountering people with differing views at the dinner table, in our neighborhoods, at the office, and perhaps most significantly, during the holiday season.

Discussing sensitive or polarizing topics, let alone having a civil and constructive conversation, can be a major challenge for many of us.

“I believe it’s becoming more challenging for more people, more often, due to the culture we live in today,” conflict resolution expert Peter T. Coleman shared with Dinogo Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta during a recent episode of his podcast, “Chasing Life.”

“The current climate, especially in the US but also in many democracies globally, is so polarized that major events — whether it’s Covid, an election, or a war — quickly get weaponized and become divisive, making it difficult to have meaningful conversations about them,” he explained.

Coleman, a social psychologist, is no stranger to conflict resolution. He’s a professor at Columbia University and the director of The Morton Deutsch International Center for Cooperation and Conflict Resolution, where he leads the Difficult Conversations Lab. He has also authored several books, including “The Way Out: How to Overcome Toxic Polarization.”

“This is an especially tense period,” he noted, explaining that conflict initiated by political leaders often trickles down to society. “We’re seeing these deep divides manifest in families and workplaces, where they seem almost impossible to resolve,” he added.

You can listen to the full episode here.

According to Coleman, by certain measures — including the reluctance of lawmakers to collaborate across party lines to pass laws — we are now “as or more polarized” than the period immediately following the US Civil War.

“There are numerous factors at play, but when you examine some of the indicators, it’s clear that we are living in an acute period of conflict, tension, division, and indifference. We’re quick to assume the worst about others, often reacting in both physical and psychological ways,” he explained.

Anyone who’s experienced conflict firsthand (which, let’s face it, is nearly everyone) knows that it’s felt deeply in both the body and the mind.

“As humans, we are wired to be sensitive to threats, with some of us more attuned than others,” he said. “When we encounter someone from an outgroup (a group we don’t identify with), it activates our amygdala, triggering feelings of anxiety, threat, and emotion. This is a very primitive, evolutionary response that we all carry within us.”

Moreover, Coleman pointed out that when we hear or read something that we find deeply offensive, it stimulates the same parts of the brain that are activated by narcotics — and we can actually become addicted to that sense of outrage.

However, he emphasized that humans are also inherently wired for cooperation.

Coleman refers to the research of anthropologist Douglas Fry, who examined peaceful societies. Fry found that early humans, living in small groups and relying on hunting and foraging, had no choice but to cooperate. But around 10,000 years ago, when humans settled, claimed land, and began accumulating possessions, “that’s when inequality, envy, and a sense of injustice emerged. And that’s when group-on-group violence and war began,” Coleman explained.

“The truth is that most of us are biologically programmed to cooperate and rely on one another … because we are so vulnerable in the first two years of life that our survival depends on others,” Coleman said. “In smaller groups, cooperation is our natural tendency.”

So, how can we tip the scales in favor of cooperation rather than conflict when we need to settle a disagreement — whether political or otherwise?

One effective strategy is compromise. “Compromise is a method of resolving disputes, typically by splitting the difference,” Coleman explained. He used the example of a parent who cuts an orange in half so two arguing children can share it equally. “In many cases, this can be the most optimal solution.”

But this isn’t the only approach. Seeking an “integrative solution” might be a more effective route, Coleman suggested. For instance, one child may want to eat the orange, while the other prefers the peel to make marmalade. In this case, both children can get exactly what they desire.

“It’s about understanding the underlying needs of each person in the situation and then thinking creatively to find a way where everyone gets more of what they want, not just half,” he explained.

Assuming that everyone shares the same motivations or values is “a rookie mistake we all make all the time,” he pointed out.

How can you better prepare yourself to handle conflict, have more productive discussions, and avoid escalating situations in these polarized times? Coleman offers five essential tips.

Acknowledge emotions

Acknowledge that feelings of anxiety and strong emotions are natural when addressing divisive, sensitive topics, Coleman explained via email.

“Rather than relying solely on logical arguments, focus on building a foundation of positivity, trust, and rapport with people across divides,” he advised. “While this may take time, it’s essential for having productive conversations.”

To remain calm and composed while establishing trust, he suggests channeling your inner peacemaker and imagining how they would act in such a situation.

Don’t settle for easy answers — dig deeper

Recognize that most significant issues are multifaceted and rarely have straightforward solutions, Coleman pointed out, citing complex topics like abortion, gun control, and immigration as examples.

“Real problems are like onions — they have multiple layers,” he said. “Look for the nuances, recognize the strengths and weaknesses on both sides, and avoid reducing everything to a simple black-and-white argument.”

And remember, it’s possible for two conflicting viewpoints to both hold truth, and for good people to have opposing opinions.

Be aware of ‘initial conditions’

Proceed with caution when starting a conversation, because your words and tone will shape the rest of the discussion and potentially influence your future relationship.

“Be deliberate in how you begin and frame challenging conversations, as your initial approach (the starting conditions) can profoundly affect the outcome,” Coleman advised.

Rather than diving straight into what could feel like an interrogation, he recommended starting the conversation on a more personal note. Ask how the person is doing, inquire about their family. Only after that, gently transition to, “Can you help me understand why you feel this way about (the difficult topic)?”

Listen like an expert (not just to win)

Active listening is more than just sitting quietly while someone talks, waiting for your moment to deliver the perfect counter-argument, Coleman explained.

“You need to actually hear what the other person is saying,” he said. “Tune in, not with the goal of winning, but to understand where they’re coming from. You might be surprised at how much more open you become.”

One approach to achieving this is by viewing the conversation as a “dialogue” to engage in, rather than a “debate” to win.

Believe in the Potential for Change

It’s easy to assume that people never change, especially those who disagree with you, Coleman noted. But change is possible — both for them and for you.

He pointed out that if you believe a situation is unchangeable, then your only choices are to disengage or to fight. Simply believing that change is possible opens the door to new possibilities.

“Approaching conversations with this mindset makes you a better negotiator, a more adaptable collaborator, and generally more agreeable,” he explained, adding that it also increases your willingness to engage and find common ground with those who hold opposing views.

Coleman stated that up to 87% of Americans are exhausted and frustrated, seeking a new approach. “They are more open to change, more ready to reconsider their perspective,” he added.

“This is something we must keep in mind, especially because — thanks to social media and the fact that the most extreme voices often grab the spotlight — we tend to believe... that all of them are far more radical and threatening than they actually are.”

Coleman shares one final piece of advice, perhaps the most crucial: Take care of yourself. “We’re not at our best when we’re anxious and angry,” he said. He suggested intentionally limiting the amount of information you consume.

“No matter what happens (with the elections), there’s still much work to be done,” he added.

We hope these five tips help you navigate the post-election season and upcoming family gatherings. Listen to the full episode here.